Home Quotes 33 Wholesome Mitch Hedberg Quotes: On Ducks, Not Sleeping, And All Things Life

33 Wholesome Mitch Hedberg Quotes: On Ducks, Not Sleeping, And All Things Life

by Louise W. Rice
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If you’re in need of a good laugh, these Mitch Hedberg quotes are as funny as they come!

Let’s face it, anyone can be a comedian. However, it takes an expert to make people laugh. The late Mitch Hedberg was truly one of the greats when it came to tickling our funny bones.

With his quirky personality and quick wit, he had a way of telling jokes that no one could replicate. Not only that, but his honest and relatable comedy act brought something fresh and interesting to the stage. Just check out these quotes and you’ll see what I mean!

The Best Mitch Hedberg Quotes for Die-Hard Fans

Short and to the Point Mitch Hedberg Quotes and Zingers

#1. “You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.”

#2. “I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.”

#3. “I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

#4. “I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like ‘Dude, you have to wait.’”

#5. “My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?”

#6. “I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”

#7. “The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.”

#8. “I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.”

#9. “I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it.”

#10. “Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.”

#11. “All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”

#12. “I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.”

#13. “Spaghetti… I can’t eat spaghetti, there’s too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I’ll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.”

Ridiculous Mitch Hedberg Quotes You Can Use at Parties

#14. “I want to get a vending machine, with fun-sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.”

#15. “I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn’t have to make separations for me.”

#16. “I went to the airport. I put my bag in the X-ray machine. I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.”

#17. “My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’”

#18. “The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name Kit-Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! It’s a clever chocolate saving technique.”

#19. “They say Flintstones vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it’s just that they taste shitty. I’m glad they made Flintstones vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, ‘Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy.’”

#20. “I got a king-sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable. ‘Oh, you’re a king, you say? Well, you won’t believe what I have in store for you! It’s to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your old lady, too!’”

#21. “I’ve got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying ‘No.’ So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order?”

Mitch Hedberg Quotes That Show Why He’s The Comedy King

#22. “I saw this dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him ‘Dude, you’re a cow. The metamorphosis is complete.’”

#23. “On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana, it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’”

#24. “I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here.”

Random Mitch Hedberg Quotes About Everyday Things

#25. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”

#26. “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

#27. “I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.”

#28. “You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.”

#29. “If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.”

#30. “I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say ‘I’m hungry,’ so it died.”

#31. “A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”

#32. “I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it’s more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.”

#33. “I find that a duck’s opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That’s the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I’d say, ‘Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!’ When I think of a duck’s friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.”

The Conclusion

The comic genius that was Mitch Hedberg truly was a master when it came to making people laugh. His undeniable wit brought joy to so many lives, and through his comedy, Mitch lives on.

I was and still am a fan of his work, and I hope that after reading these select Mitch Hedberg quotes you’ll learn to appreciate his work as much as I do.

Image source: Mitch Hedberg by Raffin – Under Creative Commons License

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